In the world of kink, especially with regards to BDSM relationships which involve a power dynamic, one in which the dominant figure is often seen as the one “in charge”, it is extremely important to vet your choices as best you can. This is important throughout all kink relationships, including DDLG + ABDL partnerships!
It can be hard sometimes to really know whether someone is right for you. Or good for you.
But there are some key traits that you should be looking for in a partner that will make your search a lot easier to narrow down, and will help you really know what it is you need and are looking for in a partner.
In this day and age, especially with the internet and the growth in online relationships, we find that there has been an increase in what many have coined as the “fake dom”.
You might find yourself wondering…
“What makes a good Daddy or Mommy Dom?”
Communication is the foundation of any relationship – whether platonic or romantic, vanilla or kink. Having healthy ways of communicating is essential for really being able to see how well you and your Daddy/Mommy, or potential future Daddy/Mommy connect.
A Daddy/Mommy Dom should:
Encourage healthy discussions.
They should want to get to know you, but at the same time allow you to get to know them.
They should not be afraid to ask or answer the hard questions – and should be open about past relationships so that you can understand how they handle adversity when it pops up in a relationship, and so you can see whether they have the capacity to learn and grow.
Check in regarding needs.
Your Caregiver should be focussed on providing you with the things you need – this does not mean gear and material items – but more ask yourself whether they are there for you emotionally.
When you are having a rough day, do they ask how they can help or just brush it off? Do they dismiss your concerns or take them to heart?
A proper Daddy/Mommy Dom should check in to make sure you are getting the emotional support from them that you need, which is the most important and most basic way to foster trust.
They should also be able to tell you what they need from you as a submissive – whether that is obedience, honesty, and of course, care towards their own emotional and physical well-being.
Be open and honest about expectations.
It is so important that your Daddy/Mommy and you sit down and discuss what it is you want from the relationship.
If they are just looking for a good time and sex, while you are looking for a deep connection and a lasting relationship, then it may be best to move on.
Do not expect to change someone, just as they should not expect to change or sway you from what you seek from your relationships.
Also, their expectations should be attainable.
If your Dom is putting demands on you that make you uncomfortable or are impossible for you to deliver on, it should be discussed.
If they are immovable, then they are not really where they need to be in order to be taking on the role of a Caregiver.
Managing time apart/breaks.
It can sometimes be very draining to be dominant all the time, even if it comes naturally. Being in charge and caregiving responsibility for another human can certainly take its toll. Your Daddy or Mommy should know that it is okay to feel this way.
They should not allow pride to get in their way because it could breed resentment. A Dominant needs to know when and how to tell their submissive that they just need them time.
Doms need self care, too. If your Dom sees this as a sign of weakness, perhaps it is time to talk to them about it and let them know that you are there for them as much as they are there for you.
However, it is important to note that, while time apart is good, too much can put a strain on the relationship.
Your Caregiver should never make you feel bad for needing them.
They should be open to discuss how much time they think they might need so you know what to expect and can prepare yourself to take on some of your responsibilities.
Understand you are both autonomous beings.
They should know that, while they may be the one entrusted to make decisions, that doesn’t entitle them to stripping you of your autonomy.
They should encourage you to have friends and communicate that this is not them pushing you away but instead pushing you to have a life that is full of variety and that you can enjoy outside of your relationship.
If a Dom tries to isolate you from people who are good for you, this is a major red flag.
No guilt tripping, gaslighting or other manipulative tactics.
It should go without saying that, unless you have an agreement in your dynamic for certain types of emotional play and domination that would fall more under RACK (risk aware consensual kink) than SSC (safe, sane and consensual), there should be no emotional or psychological manipulation.
Even in cases where a relationship does include this type of play, it should be used in a healthy manner to help the submissive, not in a way that drags them down or harms them.
If you find yourself in a situation where your Dom often uses these types of tactics during communication, especially in an attempt to get something that they want that you are uncomfortable or unwilling to give them, you should have a serious sit down about them changing this unhealthy behavior.
Some people seem to believe that, just because someone is submissive, that means they are not allowed to be afforded the basic respect other humans give and receive.
This is not true.
Respect is a very important part of a BDSM and especially DD/lg relationship.
A good Daddy or Mommy Dom should:
Respect boundaries and limits.
A Dom should always respect the boundaries and limits of their littles.
For example, if a little is a non-sexual little, meaning their littlespace is a safe space for them that does not involve sexual activity, the Dom should not push sexual desires onto then when they are in this space, or make them feel invalid because their space is not one that they express sexually.
The Dom should not coerce someone into doing anything that they do not want to do.
Another example of respectful behavior is, if you are a taken little looking for friends, a good Dom, even if he is not your Dom, should respect your boundaries and not attempt to disrespect your relationship status.
Dominants should also respect safewords – if you use one, and they continue to do what they were doing instead of ending the scene and checking in with you to provide aftercare, this is a big sign that they lack the necessary respect.
Respect is key to the growth of a loving and safe relationship.
Respect the titles used.
There is a lot that comes with a title. You should both discuss what the titles mean to each of you and whether your expectations match reality. Do not give someone a title they have no right to having and have not earned.
A good Dom will not only have a hand in your growth, but will also seek to enrich the relationship and their own personal development, as well.
We as humans are never constant. We are always growing, changing, shifting with the tide of life. That means we should be more elastic and understand that growth is not linear.
It takes steps forward, back, to the side. A Daddy or Mommy Dom should be able to weather these changes and find ways to continue forward as best they can.
The way they do this is by:
Being a teacher and a student.
The Caregiver should not fear taking on the responsibility of teacher or trainer, but should also be open to learning new things through other mentorships or even from the submissive.
If they are dedicated to your growth as well as their own, whether it comes to kink, emotional stability, or anything regarding everyday life, they should both be open to sharing what they know as well as learning new things to enhance your lives and wellbeing.
Being a mentor.
The Daddy or Mommy Dom should be someone that you can look up to. Someone who has emotional fortitude and physical strength.
This does not mean that they should be muscle-bound and impregnable.
This also does not mean that Doms with any emotional, psychological or physical disabilities are invalid. A dom with these should not feel like they cannot be dominant.
They show responsibility by taking responsibility for themselves and being accountable for ensuring that they are getting the help they need, taking any medications that are prescribed, and working towards a manageable level of functionality that keeps them and you safe.
The Dominant in a relationship should be happy and willing to provide guidance; whether helping you with life decisions or training you as their submissive in your relationship, someone who is there to tell you when you are doing a good job or helps you to reach your potential is a must.
Positive reinforcement and discipline are all a part of giving guidance, as is providing structure (rules, expectations, etc.) that helps a submissive grow and provide a stable environment for them and the Dom.
Whether it means having a list of chores that the submissive is to complete that is monitored by the Caregiver, a ritual or regiment to be followed, a hierarchy of needs that should be met before satisfaction of other desires comes into play, the Dom should work with their little every step of the way, providing a sense of pride and also capable of giving discipline when certain agreed upon expectations are not met.
A Daddy or Mommy Dom should help their submissive reach goals – in their subspaces, in their adult spaces, and in general.
Being closed off or set in one’s ways can be important, but in moderation. Having a set of morals or ethics is something that is good as a constant.
It makes a person dependable and trustworthy. However, a Dominant should show a willingness to try new things or at the very least to understand and learn what their little wants or needs from them.
If they are unable to provide these needs, then it may be worth it to discuss other ways to provide something similar, or other options available to them.
Please know that just as important as it is that your Daddy or Mommy does not push your boundaries and limits, it is unfair for the submissive to do the same.
Learning new methods to care for one’s little is important.
Not every little reacts to the same stimuli the same way. While one little may need a very strict Caregiver, another may need a more gentle caregiver that finds different, non-invasive ways to deal with discipline and care.
While one little may require sexual expression, others might shy away from it. The Caregiver should be open to change or at the very least know their limitations.
It is important for a Daddy or Mommy to have a certain level of emotional acuity. Being completely clueless on how to deal with highly emotional situations or people is not a valid excuse.
If a Dominant lacks the ability to show or experience understanding, empathy, care, tact and navigate through tough emotional times, then it should raise a flag.
However, it should be noted that in certain situations where a Dominant does not know something about their submissive’s emotional states, it may be something that could be worked on.
If their little is one who suffers from mental illnesses, whether emotional, developmental or psychological, they should attempt to learn about the illness and the different ways to provide some stability.
That being said, not every Dominant has the tools and skill set to provide what is needed.
Both the Dom and the submissive should sit down and seriously discuss whether this is a relationship that is sustainable for either of them, if such is the case.
Knowledge is so very important when it comes to BDSM relationships.
Whether it is an understanding of different kinks and how they work, different relationship dynamics and how they are expressed, or learning ways to have a full and stable relationship, having a wealth of knowledge is important.
Of course, it is understood that everyone starts somewhere, and no person, Dom or otherwise, is born with the innate knowledge of BDSM.
When dealing with an unseasoned Dom, it is important to employ patience, understanding, and allow a small margin for error.
When people are learning something new, there is bound to be a slip up or two, or five. Know the difference between someone trying to learn and expand their knowledge base and skill set, and someone who doesn’t care, is not open to change, and allows for egos to get in the way of creating a supportive and healthy relationship and space.
And no matter how many years a Daddy or Mommy may have under their belt, they should always strive to learn more about the type of Dom they are and ways to express it with their littles.
They should also put the effort into understanding what kind of little they have and how their styles might mesh.
Learning can be done everywhere and in so many different ways – whether it means online research, reading books and publications, studies, etc. on BDSM and kinks, getting involved in the local scene by attending learning events and munches, finding mentors within their community – there is no reason to stop learning.
It is important to learn about each other and to communicate.
Having a good Dom is important, just as important as being a good submissive. Make sure that they are worthy of your submission, and that you yourself are worthy of their dominance in return.
And always keep an eye out for these main requirements – if you see some unsavory behavior, discuss it.
If it becomes a situation that makes you feel unsafe, do not put yourself in a position to be harmed. Seek a way out or help from others.
And remember – everyone is human. No one is perfect.
But there is someone right for you. Never devalue yourself or your self worth.
Relationships do take a lot of work, but if you are working with someone who believes that communication, respect, care and understanding are basics, then they and you are on the right track.